Sharing Memories ...

A couple weekends ago, a man that had been in my life for 22 years was killed in an avalanche; with his wife watching and his 4-month old baby waiting at home for his Papa to return. I write about this here for two reasons: 1. Writing and "talking about" this pain helps it ease in some way; and 2. To urge everyone to live life to its fullest.

I haven't been able to talk too much about this to anyone except a few close to me like my Hubs. He has been there despite his struggle to understand what I'm going through. Thank you Hubs for being there for me even if this isn't easy for you. The only other outlet for my sadness is to share memories and to write about them.

I remember riding on the pegs of Travis' lime green dirt bike when I was 8 years old. I remember playing basketball in the backyard of Travis' house when I was 10 years old and he pretended I was good at it. It was the reason I played basketball in junior high until the coach told me I was better at track and choir. I remember getting my first tape Footloose because Travis and I had watched it together and I wanted to be a dancer so I thought it would be the best way to start. I remember hating to leave Mohall where he grew up because it meant I'd have to go back to school and leave my buddy behind. We were inseparable when my family was there to visit.

I remember when Travis would visit Bismarck during the summers and we would walk through the open fields and discuss life stuff. Even at at 12 we thought we knew it all. He was my first best friend, my first crush, and later turned out to be my first husband. I learned to ski, mountain bike, scuba dive and love Montana with him.

We'd lost contact in the past 4 years and I can't believe how much I'd like to take that back. Despite all the heartache, I wouldn't take back our past; I wouldn't change a thing. Except that wish I could have shared a laugh and a beer with Travis again after all was said and done. To laugh at all the stupid things that happened along our way and just gotten back to the connection we hold through history. I'll never have that.

But I will keep his spirit alive by laughing, loving and living like today is my last day. I won't wait for the next snow, the next summer, the next vacation to just enjoy life. He was an inspiration for Living like everyone should have. He even died doing exactly what he'd have wanted to be doing.

Travis' smile was infectious, his spirit alive, and he had the capacity to love Life like no other. He is in the mountains, the rivers, the snow, the sand and everywhere we look to see good things. He'll always get first tracks where he is now and he'll never have to hike too far to get to the top of the mountain. Rest in Peace Travis Engstrom.

Meet Me At The Mitchell

I haven't yet shared a major victory because it wasn't quite finalized due to the last "ditch" efforts (pardon the pun) of the hooligans who caused this charade in the first place. But it's over now. The Landowners' Petitions for Rehearing were denied yesterday and the decision in the Montana Supreme Court is final. And we won. The people of Montana won.

The Mitchell Slough is a stream; a side-channel of the Bitterroot River. And no matter what rich landowners do to "improve" an already thriving resource, doesn't change that character. In fact, MDT can dam, people can berm, developers can bulldoze and it still doesn't change a once-"natural" stream into a ditch like some landowners in the Bitterroot tried to claim.

This is important to Montana's legacy of stream access and sharing a public resource. It's important to protect the ability of our public to use, share and love the resource so that they have a reason to conserve, preserve and protect those wild places. The landowners (who included Huey Lewis, Charles Schwab and Ken Seibel) tried to claim that they were "protecting" the resource by keeping the (unwashed) public from accessing the stream. And then they threw money at it to "improve" what an old-timer who'd been fishing there since he was 10 called a "perfect fishing hole" and what they called "a mucked up mud pot." And because of the Montana Supreme Court decision, we can continue to use, share and love the resource so that we have a reason to conserve, preserve and protect it. It's as simple as that. I saw this lawsuit as an attempt to change the legacy of Montanans who grew up loving the wild places and as a result, wanting to keep them wild.

As an example of this legacy, I learned my ethic from my Papa and Mama who took us fishing and camping every single weekend. I have fond memories of catching perch, swimming from sun-up to sun-down, drinking my first beer, falling off a cliff and into a tree and sleeping in a tent like it was my bed. The thought of losing those places to landowners who would cut off access all in the name of "improving" the resource could possibly drive me to criminal actions. Because I learned to love the places where I could be outside and enjoy the natural environment, I would dedicate my life to conserving and preserving the wild places I love.

And I submit that this case allows that conservation ethic to develop in others. The legacy of Montanans is alive and well and the "pefect fishing hole" is open to all even if someone else thinks it's a "mucked up mudpot." When the ice thaws, you will find me floating the waters of the Mitchell Slough. Meet me there.

A Question That Keeps Coming Up

I awake every morning with a pain in my left side. It's almost a stiff feeling. Not terrible most the time but this morning it seems more intense than usual. I figured it was because Hubs was home for awhile so I slept on my left side more often. But Hubs is gone now and I still awake with an inexplicable pain; as though I've overworked the muscles on my left side. And I can assure you, I haven't.

I have wondered for some time whether we need a new mattress. When I sleep almost anywhere else: hotel, friends place, parents place, ground, I have a better sleep. I have been in denial for awhile because it is not cheap or within our budget to buy a new mattress. And to figure out which one is the best is another feat I'd rather not tackle alone. It would be really great if we could just wait until Hubs gets done with school and then buy a new mattress together that we can enjoy together.

Once again, I ask: Can I make it that long?

WARNING: Bah Humbug Sentiments Below...

Today is the day that I hate the most in my office. It's called Pig Out Day. And it's the epitome of why I hate this gluttonous, consumer-driven holiday. There are at least a hundred people roaming the hallways avoiding work and eating today - all in the name of the "holiday season." And not just eating bites here and there but piling their plates with the fattiest, greasiest, most unhealthy food they can find. And the piles threaten to topple over at any moment with the weight of the food on them. The smells in the hallways make me gag and the site of the same overweight, unhealthy people going back to the crock pots over and over again make me want to scream. When I explain to co-workers why I haven't brought any food and I won't eat any food, they explain, "Oh COME ON. This only happens once per year."

Oh yeah? How about Halloween? How about Thanksgiving? How about all the Christmas parties? How about New Years Eve? That isn't once per year; it's three months of the year. And no wonder we all need New Years resolutions: So we can take off all the pounds we put on over the "once per year" holiday season....

And I realize that my inexplicable visceral reaction to a day is more about me than about anyone else. But I just have to take this moment to say that I really can't stand the gluttonous consumerism and excesses this "holiday" tolerates. And I thought the poster child couldn't get anymore obvious than this day. I was proved oh-so-wrong about the animal instincts this holiday evokes when a Wal-mart greeter gets trampled by the herds of animals shopping for the perfect cheapest gift for the "spirit of the holidays" and when the police came the shoppers got MAD BECAUSE THE POLICE INTERRUPTED THEIR SHOPPING.

I get spitting mad when I get on this subject. And Internet, I'm usually a happy-go-lucky person that just wants everyone to get along. But this is something that will bring out the devil in me every year. So in order to let all my co-workers just have their gluttonous day without my stupid rantings, I'll write about it here for you, Internet. Aren't you lucky?

Stay Warm

Winter is finally showing its true colors around here. We've had sub-zero temps for the past 5 days and it's forecasted to continue for another 5 at least. I would normally be complaining up some warmth about such a thing. But this time, I'm actually relieved we have some cold weather. The pine bark beetles might be halted in their steady consumption of a good portion of our forrests. The flu and pneumonia viruses that have proliferated around here might be stopped in their tracks (just before they get me). And the deer in our town for which people have no tolerance will have a more difficult winter and may perish at the hands of their more sympathetic Mother Nature rather than the Helena Police in their culling efforts.

Unfortunately CDoc's car has been sacrificed to the Winter Gods. It got a ride (tow) to a warm and lovely garage to get some love and affection. Hopefully it'll come out with a new attitude and work for the rest of the winter. Keep your fingers crossed.

But my conscience is not without some pause when it gets this cold for this long. Paying for heat is especially difficult when it has to run 24/7 just to keep a place warm. I cringe to think of the families that have to choose between warmth and food at this time. Our office has vowed to donate piles of food to the Food Share in town. I loaded up my car full of food to add to the mounds of food brought in by my co-workers to donate. I have this hopefully-not-naive thought that maybe my donation will make the choice for some family to turn up the heat instead of spend their money at the grocery store.

I hope more of you do the same.

Happy Holidays. Stay warm.

Never Too Old ....

My birthday was last Saturday and Hubs came home the night before. He couldn't wait to give me gifts (that he bought against the rules of NO GIFTS while we're on one income). So, shortly after he was smothered with love by the dogs, he presented me with gifts. Yup, plural. Rule breaker.

The first was a beautifully wrapped package of 1/2 dozen red velvet cupcakes from Crave. Seriously, these HAVE to be the best cupcakes I've ever tasted. I immediately stuffed my face with every last morsel of cupcake leaving nothing behind but the sheen of butter on my fingers. Mmmmmm, my mouth is watering right now as I write.

The next gift was a cute red hat that I'd lusted over while I was visiting Hubs in Calgary a few weeks ago. I heart my new hat and think I should wear it EVERY.DAY.

And then the finale. Hubs pulled out a little manilla envelope about the size of a post-it note. I opened it and inside was a tiny plastic ziploc bag holding a diamond stud with a post that twisted into a funny shape - clearly not an earring. My eyes got big with surprise and trepidation when I'd realized that all the years I'd claimed that I would pierce my nose were going to be put to the test. He'd gotten me a nose stud; a diamond, white-gold nose stud.

Sooo, December 6th, the anniversary of the day of my birth 36 years ago, I paid someone to shove a needle into my nose for vanity's sake.

And I love it.

I Heart My Tyres

I spent a whole lotta cash on my well-being yesterday: 4 new Nokian Tyres on my little car. I have been batting back and forth the idea of getting new tires on my car. I decided long ago that I would either get studded snow tires (something I've never had before) or get new all-season, severe-weather rated tires. Usually I can rely upon Hubs' 4-wheel drive truck to get me around when the weather requires. Since he left, I've been meaning to make an appointment for my little car.

Yesterday when I awoke to rain, it crossed my mind that I would need to get rolling on that plan for new tires. Then, when it turned to snow and the forecast predicted much more of it along with dropping temps, I called my favorite neighborhood tire shop and made an appointment. They had the all-seasons in stock and could get me in by 11 a.m. So, that made my decision: no studded tires. I was reluctant because studs would be perfect for the steep drive up to my little home perched above Helena. However, my friends at the tire store made me think that the all-seasons were my best bet.

$650 later I rolled down the street still unsure but ready to test the new tires in the still-snowing, icy underneath roads. I turned out of the parking lot, stopped at the stop sign and BAM! A freaking idiot rear-ended me. NO KIDDING. Fortunately for her, there wasn't even a scratch on my car. I took her name and number (knowing nothing would come of it) right after she proclaimed: Sorry. Ice. Like it was going to help explain the fact that I'd just seen her pull out in front of another car and then proceed to whack me.

I drove home wary of other drivers. But my car, despite the ice and snow and the steep road, and weather that previously would have left me parked on the roadside hiking up the hill, carried me home without even a spin on the tires. I turned the corner from one steep hill to the next steep hill as if I was on dry pavement. I think I love my new tyres. And I think I'll write to this woman and suggest she get herself an appointment and some new tyres as well.